Struggling

Well its been two and  half years and I am struggling.  I had my gall bladder out in January 2017 and almost immediately put on 20 pounds.  Now my struggle is to lose that 20 pounds and more.  I am very down on myself and fell like a failure.  I said as much to my surgeon.  He told me  "I am not a failure.  I am still down 40 pounds and losing weight is very hard."   I appreciated that.  I have also begun seeing a counselor who has had weight loss surgery and she is helping me to see my own self worth and get through what is holding me back from doing what I need to do to lose weight.  In the mean time, my surgeon and counselor have both agreed that I need help with the craving so I recently started Contrave.  It has helped tremendously with curbing my cravings.  I am eating much less.  The scale has barely budged but my clothes fit better.  Its on me now to change the way I am eating and to start exercising when I have an opportunity.  With it being spring the exercising should be much easier.  Well, easier to do when I am not working 12 hour days.  So there are my new goals:  Love me, Eat the things I am supposed to, and exercise more.  Baby steps.

It's been a while since i last posted.  Life has been.....hectic. Life and work always get in the way. Here i am 14 months post op and I find myself in pain.  It hurts!!!  I have had a CT scan done and was told I have a small kidney stone (which I passed) and no gall stones.   So why am I still in pain?!?!?!  Every time I eat a meal of meat and vegetables I am in pain.  It hurts on my right side in the back and front and sometimes in my chest.  All the research I have done points to an aggravated gallbladder.  The PA at my PCP has no idea.  So tomorrow I go to my weightloss surgeon to see if he can help me figure this out.  Did i mention i hurts??!!! 

As for the rest of the progress post surgery, well, there is no progress.  I am and have been stuck for 8 months now at the same weight.  Yes, it's my fault.  I am weak and I cheat.  However, I have a goal of losing 20 pounds (which would put me at 200#) by October of this year.  That is when my family is going to Universal Studios.  I just want to be able to get on a ride and not have to worry whether or not my butt will fit in the seat. It would also be nice to fit comfortably in the air plane too.  Darn it Southwest, can't you make your seats a little more roomy???  Speaking of Southwest, I go to Vegas next week for a few days.  Let's hope I fit in the seat without losing circulation in my thighs!!!  

September 30 2016

I am here!  Where is here?  It's a plateau.  I have been the same weight now for 4 months.  It has been very stable.  This sucks!!!  Yes, I cheat.  and Yes, I am eating fruit.  But at least I am not gaining.  This is the longest stretch of time that I have not gained weight!  Victory!!!!  I guess.  I am afraid to go to the doctors office and for him to say I am a failure because I am not losing.

I do have other reasons besides the cheating and fruit.  STRESS!!!!  Stress is my downfall.  Since the last post I have gotten a divorce and my nephew was killed by an Amtrak train.  If that wasn't enough stress, I have been acting supervisor at work for the past 4-5 weeks.  It's the post office.  It's stress.  Trust me.

So what am I going to do about this.  Well.....I will tell you what I did.  I have been on Lexapro for PMDD for about 10 years now.  It has run it's course and my body does't react to it the way it should.  Before my surgery my gyne added Xanax to the mix.  Lovely, but didn't help solve the problem.  This morning I talked to my general practitioner.  She switched me to a different medication.  This one will not only help my symptoms but it will hopefully help with the head hunger.  Yes, because of the stress I have head hunger and all I have ever known is to eat.  And eat I have.  Even if I wasn't cheating I was still eating A L O T of the right foods.  I don't expect miracles from this drug but I really do hope it helps.  Talk to you all soon.

Sarah

Starting weight 281
Current weight 222
Height  5'10"

6 1/2 months post surgery

Wow!  That is all I can say about life right now.  So many stressful things are happening all at once.  My family is dealing with my brother's estate, including a lawsuit from his ex-fiance for items which she has no right to, I am in the middle of a divorce, and I am trying to purchase my brother's home.   Oh, I am also acting as supervisor at the post office once or twice a week. That is all on top of trying to eat the way I am supposed to so that I do not waste this great tool I have chosen for myself.  Let me tell you, I ain't managing things that well.  Carbs have always been my go to when I am under stress.  It's what I know.  It's what I have done.  M&M peanut and Hershey's with Almonds.  Those are my two weak points right now.  I am trying to go to fruit first because it at least has nutritional value, but there are those days when it just won't do.  I am still losing about One pound per week and while I am not excited about it at least I am losing.  I am trying not to beat myself up about it.  I am doing the best I can right now to not screw this thing up.  I have read many posts on Facebook but say "No matter how slow you move, as long as you are moving in the right direction you are doing okay".  I am hanging on to that right now.  At least I am losing.  I fear what the doctor or nurse will say when I go to my next appointment but I am a big girl and I can handle it.  Even though it is technically 7 months when I have my appointment, it will be my 6 month follow-up.  I am down 58 pounds from my highest weight and 56 from surgery.  That's not great.  I am not even sure that it is good.  Like I said, at least I am down.  When I started this journey I was exactly 100 pounds over weight.  So if I look at it that way, I have lost 56% of my excess weight in 6 1/2 months.  Ok, that makes me feel a little better I guess.  I am just going to keep going!  

5 months out and still loving it!

Wow has these past few months flown by!!!!  A lot has been going on in my life, including a giant plateau!!!  I have been bouncing between the same two or three pounds for over a month now.  Why?  Oh, I know why.  I have not had anytime to exercise.  I have been working like crazy and been super busy after work.  So hard to get that extra time in when you are falling asleep on your feet.  I have also been eating fruit and craving sugar and my hormone swings are out of control.  The fruit and giving in to my sugar cravings has caused my stall in weight loss.  Yes, Cherrish, you were exactly right!  I went from dropping 1/2 pound to a pound a day to a complete stop, almost like I crashed into a brick wall.  My fault. The hormones add to additional cravings and super heavy periods and anxiety (which sucks!).  I am trying to adjust to this and get things back under control.  I actually have been really good the past few days and I am getting back to where I need to be.  My motivation is simple.....My daughter who had her surgery in early March is quickly catching up to me.  I am a competitor by nature so I can't let her beat me! (although I am super proud of her!)  My other daughter has also come to the conclusion that she would like to get the sleeve done.  Her motivation is health related.  She is scared because my brother died of an enlarged heart and she has now been diagnosed with high blood pressure and PCOS.  I want what is best for her and I think she is making a great choice.  We were also lucky enough to get her first seminar with Dr. Joyce (He did my surgery and my first daughter's surgery) so he will also be doing Becky's surgery.  I really think he is a fabulous doctor and made us all super comfortable.  So here I go off on another journey, with my kid.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,.....

3 Month Check-up (3 1/2 actually)

I had my 3 month check-up, well it was actually closer to 3 1/2 months, but it went okay.  According to the doctors scale I am down 46 pounds from my first visit, 48 from my heaviest.  I'll take it!  That is close enough to 50 for me.  The doctor said I am losing weight well and I liked that too.

     This is all despite the fact that I just lost my 26 year old brother this past Friday night, April 8 2016.  He was out with his buddies listening to a band.  One minute he was there and the next minute he was gone.  The coroner's preliminary report was that he had an enlarged heart and that his heart just stopped.  It was not a heart attack.  This is all the more reason for me to get healthy.  I'm worried that it is hereditary.  I will miss him very much.

    To be honest with you all, I cheated BIG TIME.  That was the way I always dealt with grief.  But then at the wake I ate nothing.  So it balanced out, I guess.  So for myself and my family it is now going to be one day at a time.  Same thing for my eating and weight loss.  One day at a time.

I also wanted to point you to my daughter's blog Sleeve Me Baby.  She is a much better writer than I am and she is only 22.  Go check it out.

A little over 3 months from Surgery

Today I sit here and I am pondering the question "Why am I not enough".  I have not been struggling to bad with the emotional ups and downs but today it is kinda working on me.  As I evaluate my life and the recent events of the surgery and relationships it just makes me wonder why have I never been good enough.  I've always been too mean, or too competitive, or too fat, or too hard on myself.  But then I sit and think why am I this way.  And the only answer I come up with is that I am not enough.  I'm not good enough to be Number 1 to my husband, I'm not a good enough Mom, I don't make enough money, I don't have enough time to make everyone happy, My house is too "lived in", I'm too fat, and I can't be someone's Number 1.  Oh sure, I have friends and I'm losing weight and I have been someone's Number 2 or Number 3 but in a world where you just want to be loved and cared for by that one special person (and by yourself as well) I can't seem to be enough for anyone.  So why am I talking about this here?  Well, it's my dang hormones.  They fluctuate faster than a roller coaster at Great America.  Since my surgery I have had some good highs and some bad lows and some good level days.  I have also noticed that my periods are heavier than they have ever been.  So I did some research.  This seems like a very common thing.  In fact, all of the emotions are normal as well.  What I have found is that our fat stores extra hormones and when we are losing weight so rapidly there is an influx of extra hormones in our bodies from the shed fat.  Let me tell you, this is not as much fun as the earlier mentioned roller coaster!  I am handling it though.  I am sure this will calm down soon and I will be back to normal (whatever that is).

On the plus side, I am finally down to 235 which means I can finally ride a Segway!!!!  It may sound silly but I have wanted to ride one of these for a long time.  There is a Groupon right now for a Segway tour of Chicago.  I think I'm going to do it when the weather gets a little nicer.

Food is still a struggle.  It's not the eating part, its the portion size.  I'm still working on it.  And yes, My dogs faithfully sit by my feet to eat my leftovers.  I also miss crunchy stuff.  Is that weird?
Anyway, Have a great week.  I will talk to you all soon..