A little over 3 months from Surgery

Today I sit here and I am pondering the question "Why am I not enough".  I have not been struggling to bad with the emotional ups and downs but today it is kinda working on me.  As I evaluate my life and the recent events of the surgery and relationships it just makes me wonder why have I never been good enough.  I've always been too mean, or too competitive, or too fat, or too hard on myself.  But then I sit and think why am I this way.  And the only answer I come up with is that I am not enough.  I'm not good enough to be Number 1 to my husband, I'm not a good enough Mom, I don't make enough money, I don't have enough time to make everyone happy, My house is too "lived in", I'm too fat, and I can't be someone's Number 1.  Oh sure, I have friends and I'm losing weight and I have been someone's Number 2 or Number 3 but in a world where you just want to be loved and cared for by that one special person (and by yourself as well) I can't seem to be enough for anyone.  So why am I talking about this here?  Well, it's my dang hormones.  They fluctuate faster than a roller coaster at Great America.  Since my surgery I have had some good highs and some bad lows and some good level days.  I have also noticed that my periods are heavier than they have ever been.  So I did some research.  This seems like a very common thing.  In fact, all of the emotions are normal as well.  What I have found is that our fat stores extra hormones and when we are losing weight so rapidly there is an influx of extra hormones in our bodies from the shed fat.  Let me tell you, this is not as much fun as the earlier mentioned roller coaster!  I am handling it though.  I am sure this will calm down soon and I will be back to normal (whatever that is).

On the plus side, I am finally down to 235 which means I can finally ride a Segway!!!!  It may sound silly but I have wanted to ride one of these for a long time.  There is a Groupon right now for a Segway tour of Chicago.  I think I'm going to do it when the weather gets a little nicer.

Food is still a struggle.  It's not the eating part, its the portion size.  I'm still working on it.  And yes, My dogs faithfully sit by my feet to eat my leftovers.  I also miss crunchy stuff.  Is that weird?
Anyway, Have a great week.  I will talk to you all soon..

Three Months Post Surgery

I am finally three months post surgery.  I am down 47 pounds from my highest weight and 45 pounds from my starting weight.  I am very pleased.  Yes, I struggle and yes, I have cheated but I'm only human.  I just need to remind myself of that from time to time.  I also need to stop comparing myself to the people on the Facebook support page I am on.  Some of those people lose so much more so quickly but then you see how they were on all liquids for 3 weeks after surgery and then pureed foods more 2-3 more weeks then soft foods for 2-3 more before they could actually eat.  I think I have it rough now, Oh my goodness, I would lose my mind of my doctor made us do that!!!

It has also been nice working in another post office for the last week and a half.  It's a change of scenery and people and responsibility.  I think my mind needed it.  I have actually gotten myself somewhat under better control.  My biggest struggle right now is the evening.  I find my mind wandering and thinking about food.  I think I need to start working on my quilting again or pull my ukulele back out and play a little.  I just need the distraction.

Overall things are getting easier again and I just need to keep going.  Looking forward to strawberries and apples soon.  I miss my smoothies made with coconut milk.  Yummy.  Until the next post, Just keep going.  We didn't get where we were overnight and cannot fix it overnight either.  All good things take time and we are worth it!!!!!

Almost 3 Months Out and Struggling

March 16, 2016

In my last post I wrote about cravings and the one before that about cheating.  Well... all of that has done me in.  I am at a huge weight loss stall and it is all my fault.  I am cheating horribly.  I have it in my head that if it doesn't hurt my stomach than it's okay.  Of course I know I am wrong!!!  But with the new anxiety I am getting from the excess hormones my body is getting rid of, I am really on an emotional roller coaster.  I need to purge my house of all the No-No food.  I am stuck at 237.4 pounds.  Yes, that is a lot of weight lost but the stall and my head games are ruining the chance I have to help this tool do it's job.  I need a hero and it needs to be me!!!

On a good note, I am down two pants sizes and one shirt size (i like my shirts baggy).  I also bought some new underwear.  That in itself was a huge victory as I hate spending money on myself.  But it feels great knowing I am smaller.  I just need to get back on the train going in the right direction.  All Aboard!!!!!