A little over 3 months from Surgery

Today I sit here and I am pondering the question "Why am I not enough".  I have not been struggling to bad with the emotional ups and downs but today it is kinda working on me.  As I evaluate my life and the recent events of the surgery and relationships it just makes me wonder why have I never been good enough.  I've always been too mean, or too competitive, or too fat, or too hard on myself.  But then I sit and think why am I this way.  And the only answer I come up with is that I am not enough.  I'm not good enough to be Number 1 to my husband, I'm not a good enough Mom, I don't make enough money, I don't have enough time to make everyone happy, My house is too "lived in", I'm too fat, and I can't be someone's Number 1.  Oh sure, I have friends and I'm losing weight and I have been someone's Number 2 or Number 3 but in a world where you just want to be loved and cared for by that one special person (and by yourself as well) I can't seem to be enough for anyone.  So why am I talking about this here?  Well, it's my dang hormones.  They fluctuate faster than a roller coaster at Great America.  Since my surgery I have had some good highs and some bad lows and some good level days.  I have also noticed that my periods are heavier than they have ever been.  So I did some research.  This seems like a very common thing.  In fact, all of the emotions are normal as well.  What I have found is that our fat stores extra hormones and when we are losing weight so rapidly there is an influx of extra hormones in our bodies from the shed fat.  Let me tell you, this is not as much fun as the earlier mentioned roller coaster!  I am handling it though.  I am sure this will calm down soon and I will be back to normal (whatever that is).

On the plus side, I am finally down to 235 which means I can finally ride a Segway!!!!  It may sound silly but I have wanted to ride one of these for a long time.  There is a Groupon right now for a Segway tour of Chicago.  I think I'm going to do it when the weather gets a little nicer.

Food is still a struggle.  It's not the eating part, its the portion size.  I'm still working on it.  And yes, My dogs faithfully sit by my feet to eat my leftovers.  I also miss crunchy stuff.  Is that weird?
Anyway, Have a great week.  I will talk to you all soon..

Three Months Post Surgery

I am finally three months post surgery.  I am down 47 pounds from my highest weight and 45 pounds from my starting weight.  I am very pleased.  Yes, I struggle and yes, I have cheated but I'm only human.  I just need to remind myself of that from time to time.  I also need to stop comparing myself to the people on the Facebook support page I am on.  Some of those people lose so much more so quickly but then you see how they were on all liquids for 3 weeks after surgery and then pureed foods more 2-3 more weeks then soft foods for 2-3 more before they could actually eat.  I think I have it rough now, Oh my goodness, I would lose my mind of my doctor made us do that!!!

It has also been nice working in another post office for the last week and a half.  It's a change of scenery and people and responsibility.  I think my mind needed it.  I have actually gotten myself somewhat under better control.  My biggest struggle right now is the evening.  I find my mind wandering and thinking about food.  I think I need to start working on my quilting again or pull my ukulele back out and play a little.  I just need the distraction.

Overall things are getting easier again and I just need to keep going.  Looking forward to strawberries and apples soon.  I miss my smoothies made with coconut milk.  Yummy.  Until the next post, Just keep going.  We didn't get where we were overnight and cannot fix it overnight either.  All good things take time and we are worth it!!!!!

Almost 3 Months Out and Struggling

March 16, 2016

In my last post I wrote about cravings and the one before that about cheating.  Well... all of that has done me in.  I am at a huge weight loss stall and it is all my fault.  I am cheating horribly.  I have it in my head that if it doesn't hurt my stomach than it's okay.  Of course I know I am wrong!!!  But with the new anxiety I am getting from the excess hormones my body is getting rid of, I am really on an emotional roller coaster.  I need to purge my house of all the No-No food.  I am stuck at 237.4 pounds.  Yes, that is a lot of weight lost but the stall and my head games are ruining the chance I have to help this tool do it's job.  I need a hero and it needs to be me!!!

On a good note, I am down two pants sizes and one shirt size (i like my shirts baggy).  I also bought some new underwear.  That in itself was a huge victory as I hate spending money on myself.  But it feels great knowing I am smaller.  I just need to get back on the train going in the right direction.  All Aboard!!!!!

Two Months Post Sleeve

Feb 28, 2016

I am a little past two months from getting my sleeve surgery.  I feel really healthy but I am still adapting to the small portions.  I am down 42 pounds from my highest weight, 40 pounds from starting weight, and 35 down from pre-surgery.

The pictures are a little dark but I can really see the difference, FINALLY.  I had a long plateau (9 days) where I was exactly 241.2 pounds.  The scale wouldn't budge.  So frustrating.  But I got on the scale this morning and it finally moved again.  I took a great big deep breath.  

Now it's time to share some dirty little issues.  I have been cheating.  Not a lot but it is still cheating.  I have had a banana or two, a candy cane here and there, even a peanut butter egg.  I know it will slow things down as far as weight loss goes but these damn cravings!!!  I also do not exercise as much as I should.  However, it was in the 50's yesterday and 60's today so the dogs and I did get some exercise and fresh air.  It felt great.  I guess the point of me telling on myself is that we are all human.  We all have flaws and will go through setbacks dealing with our own demons.  You just have to keep going.  And I am.  I won't bore you with the stress I have had this week but I am still here and I am still going strong.  Now to get back on the wagon and lose some more weight. 

My personal goal is to lose a total of 50 pounds by the time my doctor appointment rolls around mid-April.  Wish me luck and lots of prayers.  

Rough Week

Well it's been a rough week.  My last living grandparent dies on Friday.  It started out with her breaking her hip at 93 years old.  She only lasted a few days in the hospital before her heart gave out.  It was her time.  Her wake is today and funeral tomorrow.

As for how I handled it......I really wanted to eat!  But thank goodness I had this amazing surgery done.  I cheated, of course.  I think I had 3 or 4 Reese's PB Eggs and half of a Toblerone.  Since I am only 7 weeks out from surgery I still can't eat very much.  It is helping me learn to cope in different ways than I used to.  I have tried to keep busy and I watched a lot of TV and Facebook.  At night I used Xanax to help me sleep.  It was the best I could do to cope.

On a good note, I am down 37.2 pounds in those 7 weeks.  I am so excited!  Of course I have seen people on the BE support group I am on lose a lot faster but I am very happy with where I am at.  I am down almost 2 pants sizes and my work uniforms are falling off of me.  Thank goodness for long underwear!!!  (I am a letter carrier).  I also registered for the workout room at Silver Cross Hospital.  As a patient I get to use that 3 days a week for free.  So I will be taking full advantage after work on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Sure beats paying for a gym membership.

Here's to a good week for everyone.  Happy losing!!!!

5 1/2 weeks Post-Surgery

I had my 3 week follow up with the doctor on January 15, 2016.  I was down 21 pounds since surgery and 28 pounds from my heaviest weight.  The doctor said I was doing well.  (He's not very talkative). After my appointment I had about a 20 minute gap to fill before my post-surgery class so I just did laps in the hallway to get some steps in.  The class was pretty good.  I learned a few things but also knew a bit because I have been doing all kinds of research since I made the surgery decision.

A big plus was knowing I can now take the orientation class to use the hospital weight room free of charge.  So I set that all up.  I am kinda excited about that since I can go in three days a week and do strength training there and then use my treadmill or bike at home and it doesn't cost me anything.  I am learning from my youngest daughter that anything you can get for free you should get.

As for eating, it is still a struggle.  What I mean by that is I have a lot of head hunger, especially during my PMS week.  I suffer from an extra special type of PMS called PMDD.  So when my head hunger wants something it screams and yells like a little child.  I have been able to somewhat subdue it with No Sugar Added Hot Chocolate and Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding. I say somewhat because I have given in and had a Reese's Christmas Tree or Two or a donut at work.  I'm very thankful for the sleeve because it doesn't allow me to over do anything. One of the best decisions of my life.

My protein intake is going very well, just on real food.  Once in a while I will have a protein shake but I have found it to not be necessary for the protein.  I pack P3 snacks and cheese sticks in my cooler for lunch and have my veggies at home.  Again, No Regrets!!!

My stats for weight as of this morning:  I am down 34 pounds!!!!  WooHoo!!!!!

Three weeks POST-Surgery

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks from my Gastric Sleeve surgery.  It's been a weird ride to say the least.

Let me try to recap.

Day 1-  Sleep all day.  Have catheter in place.  Hate it!

Day 2- Could not sleep.  Walked a lot.  Hernia repair painful every time I roll out of bed.  I manage.

Day 3- I go home, armed with 3 days worth of syringes full of blood thinners and my pain meds.  Arrive and promptly go to my recliner.

While at home I forced myself to get up and move and rely on pain meds for the next 7 days because of hernia repair.  I was told my hiatal hernia was very large, resulting in the doctor having to pull my stomach back down through my diaphragm and back where it belongs before continuing with the repair and then the VSG. 

Week 2- Pain is slowly going away, better each day.  Trying not to take anything for pain.  I have insomnia.  Very hard for me to fall asleep at night.  Good news- No acid reflux!   I take advantage of the mild weather to go for 20 minute walks outside.  At this point I am down 23 pounds and have hit a stall.  

Found that I need to make sure I am eating at least 1000 calories to continue weight loss.  This is difficult.  But I am trying.  Weight now coming off 2/10 of a pound at a time.  I am getting frustrated but thanks to support from the BariatricEating Support page on Facebook I keep pushing on.  I still step on the scale every day but I am trying not to let the numbers get to me.  

That brings me to today.  I am currently wearing both a FitBit and a Garmin Vivofit.  Why?  I have owned my FitBit for over a year and I love it!!!  I love that I can challenge my friends.  The Garmin is from the doctors office.  This is the one they prefer. I am going to wear it until I see how they will use it to track my progress or if they even use it at all.  If they do not check it then I am going to give the Garmin to my niece and stick with FitBit.  I am now down 24 pounds, losing only 1 pound last week.  I am okay with that for now.  I think my body is just trying to adjust.  I am sure my wacky hormones have a play in that too.  

3 week follow up with doctor on Friday.  I'll keep you all posted.  Have a great day!!!!